A Place To "Dump" Cronyism - Federal Bureau of Invitation (I needed this laugh)

Patronage problems? Just call the FBI

By MARK LANE
FOOTNOTE

Last update: September 21, 2005

There’s not a great deal of confidence in the Federal Emergency Management Agency now that Florida gets ready to clean up after another hurricane. FEMA continues to be attacked for cronyism.

This is unfair criticism. Cronyism is putting your friends into jobs for which they are patently unqualified. President George Bush did not hang out with his FEMA appointees — and certainly does not do so now. These were campaign helpers who are unqualified for their present jobs, not friends who are unqualified for their jobs.

Let’s get our terms straight.

But that said, if you don’t give FEMA jobs to party functionaries, lawyers, fundraisers, sign-wavers, spokesmen, car drivers and cheerleaders, where do you put them? Our political system would collapse without jobs for supporters.

There are two basic approaches to finding comfy places for party hacks and hackettes on a governmental payroll. The first is to distribute them evenly all over the place. The other is to find a particular agency and turn that into party headquarters. An agency that judgmental types, the opposition party and good-government sermonizers might call a "dumping ground."

Gov. Jeb Bush takes the former approach, although in keeping with his philosophy of less government he tries to contract jobs to contributors and party activists rather than make places for them on the state payroll.

President Bush, on the other hand, appears to take more of the dumping-ground approach. And the current state of FEMA is the result.

FEMA, however, is a government agency that is actually expected to do things. Often in a hurry. And this makes it a bad place for media strategists, advance men, campaign managers and Arabian Horse Association commissioners.

So where do you put the party guys? If you put them everywhere, the overall effectiveness of government is harmed. If you put them in one place, that place could be paralyzed.

What we need is a nonessential agency that exists mainly to soak up a political party’s campaign talent but without damaging government. To that end, I propose creation of the Federal Bureau of Invitation.

It looks good when your resume shows you work for the FBI. Sure, some future employers might get this confused with the other FBI, but that’s their problem. The Federal Bureau of Invitation would issue invitations to all kinds of government events. And on the nicest stationery.

Best of all, every employee would be deputy director. At least every employee who is not a special consultant, agency spokesman or deputy chief assistant in charge of long-term planning and implementation.

As part of its mandate, the agency also would have authority to distribute framed 8-by-10-inch color glossy photographs of our nation’s leaders for display in office lobbies, military bases and schools. (A big undertaking ably supervised by the FBI’s deputy director of strategic framing.)

The FBI would also distribute flag lapel pins to all government policymakers, spokesmen and managers. (Overseen by the deputy director of strategic lapel communications.)

Sure, somebody would still need to wash the floors (assistant to the deputy director of architectural hygiene and aesthetics), but there would still be plenty of prestigious jobs for everyone.

I know this is a controversial proposal and yes, it could jeopardize the smooth delivery of invitations to government events. But as somebody who lives in a hurricane-prone state, that’s a risk I’m willing to take.

mark.lane@news-jrnl.com

http://www.news-journalonline.com/N...