BUSH FUNDAMENTALIST SEXUAL MORES

SNIFFING CROTCHES

By Peter Fredson

September 29, 2005

Speculation on True Believer Sexual Mores

In older days it was reputed that some nutty or horny high school boys would get kicks from sniffing girl’s bicycle seats. In modern times you have Republican True Believers improving on the kicks by investigating people’s sexual habits in full juicy details to make them sweat and slaver. They never seem to tire of gossip about who is humping whom, the duration of the hump, the size of the humping mechanism, and full details of the performance of the humper and humpee, especially if they are wealthy, notorious or politically connected.

A switch in emphasis occurred when Bill Clinton declared he never had sex with an intern. Evidently Bill did not believe that fellatio is sex, but that sex consists of juxtaposition of penis and vagina with consequent orgasm. For Bill, a blow-job was a good release from burdens of office, harmless fun, and a good way to pass an afternoon.

But, the entire Republican party, all the lobbyists, all the fundamentalists, all the televangelists, searched the newspapers, radio and TV daily for details of the incident to make their eyes bug out and give them an opportunity to express horrendous outrage, indignation, anger, scathing criticism, and even to ask for the immediate resignation of Bill, or at least his public castration.

Death by stoning might have been considered, as a venerable tradition, but is unfortunately no longer legal until a new Supreme Court can rectify that unfortunate ruling.

The awful fact, the excruciating horror, that mouths were involved in stimulating penises must have caused a great deal of heart attacks, veins to pop, aneurisms to explode, blood pressure to rise to maximum levels in the American Talibanists.

Certainly many went rushing to consult their Sacred Book, their local priest, or their neighbors for consolation at being exposed to such filth, such smut, such sinful behavior, and such unauthorized lewd relationship.
Undoubtedly many women parishioners knelt before their confessors for solace.

Fundamentalists firmly believed that the juxtaposition of penis and vagina could only be licit by having a priest, reverend, parson or guru perform an archaic ritual exercise, involving religious sentiments and dogma concerning invisible intangible omnipresent omniscient and omnipowerful deities approving of the union of sex organs.

Sexual activity must not be considered as fun, recreation, or pleasure, certainly not to stimulate lust, but only for the purpose of procreation of True Believers under guidance of religious authorities. Jimmy Carter gave the politically correct response when he confessed that he sometimes “lusted in his heart” and felt sorry about it.

Furthermore, the approved Christian position for juxtaposition of organs is with a male on top of a female, after a church marriage ceremony. Anything else shows the depravity of human nature, the sinfulness of which humans are capable, and the depths of Hell to which they will be consigned for even considering alternatives.

Premarital sex, or sex with someone not officially and spiritually tied by a parson, was not only a sin but a crime against the Supreme Creator of the Entire Universe, not to mention the Speaker of the House.

The Republican Senators rushed to condemn Bill, to demand his resignation or impeachment. A special prosecutor was assigned, who spent some millions of dollars to get full details of Bill’s blow-job. The Republican Senators were enthralled to learn that a kneeling position was required, perhaps even a mat for kneeling, and that a dress had been preserved with some suspicious stains on it, which were analyzed in detail with full explanation of how they got on the dress.

Details of handling cigars, not involving smoking them, were unimaginably sought with avid incredulity. All the investigatory expertise of the F.B.I. was utilized to get at the bottom, or top, of the affair.

Senators flocked to hear the testimony of the intern, mouths drooling, eyes intent, ears wide open, as though the Apocalypse would come immediately showing the wrath of the Almighty in full fury.

The Nation was evidently in danger of submerging in illicit passion. Legislation was postponed for the purpose of hearing more fascinating details of depravity, dissoluteness, wickedness, immorality, vice and degeneracy never before seen or heard on this planet.

Oh, my, it was fascinating beyond description and filled hours of news commentary. It probably gave rise to thousands of passionate sermons and Bible thumping to excoriate the decadence of America, with the uneasy promise of earthquakes and tidal waves from the Supreme One as punishment.

Everyone hoped that the practice would not become widely known or adopted.

Several Republican Senators that are still in Congress today, said that lying by the President was an imperative and immediate cause for impeachment, but they changed their minds when George W. Bush took office, as they never brought up the subject of lying to start a war. They know that fellatio is unforgivable but that lying to start a war is good profitable business for corporate warmongers.

The point to all this is that the True Believers are sexually repressed by ancient Christian dogma asserting that sex must be conducted in ritual approved ways for spiritual purposes. George Bush has promised his Christian supporters that he will allow no free choice for anything sexual that is not approved in his Christian Bible. No condoms, no abortion, no premarital sex, no family planning, no fooling around, no choice in anything. If a woman gets pregnant she must stay the course.

Gays are to be condemned, even if the law at present does not allow stoning, but under a new Christian Supreme Court that option will be given due consideration.

Any activity involving mouths, penises, vaginas, rectums, clitorises, mammary glands, whipped cream, lips and tongues, in any combination other than that stipulated by church dispensation is anathema, and to be repudiated with full measure of governmental fury and punishment.

Sexual behavior is to be regulated by the Bush executive regulations, under license from fundamentalist preachers like Jerry Falwell, and anything not approved will be outlawed. Crotches will probably be inspected by government inspectors to ensure that proper hygiene, equipment, covering, and pubic hair are within “normal” guidelines.

Bedroom conduct will be closely watched, with the possibility of spy cameras to catch lustful perverts that cannot control their sexual urges. Women will again be given second-class citizen status, their right to express themselves curtailed. Their place will again be in the home, kitchen and bedroom, subject to the will of their masters, their husbands. They will speak only when spoken to. They will not compete with men in any way: business, sports, school, politics, whatever.

Women will be available to their males at any time the males feel sexual tension but will not engage in any type of seductive behavior, or abnormal hip action. Males need no permission to hump their wives, other than some preliminary warning, like “Brace yourself.” Women will avert their eyes and avoid all unnecessary motions whenever a strange male is around, lest they arouse undue attention by their femaleness.

Women will be taught enough to read the Bible, but will not be encouraged to write or speak unless their male approves. Their dress will be government supervised, at the whim of whoever is President. Anyone showing more than a square inch of skin will be flogged and will be fined heavily.

Exposure of any portion of mammary gland will occasion a million dollar fine and public humiliation in the public stocks. Repetition of any offense will be subject to imprisonment and torture. White Male Supremacy is the ideal, with women on the bottom, literally

Inspectors will be on the alert for trouser bulges, and will sniff crotches to ensure that no illicit sexual activity has been performed.

Then the Bush version of Democracy and Freedom will have been fulfilled with a new clause in the Patriot Act making illicit sexual behavior a form of terrorism, and a new amendment to the Constitution ensuring reviving ancient Jewish taboos with the necessary harsh punishments.